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[10 May 2004|08:35pm] |
Only a few more weeks of school left, I can't believe how fast yet slow the school year has gone. The first part seemed to have moved slowly, yet January till now has gone by quite fast. It feels like it's only been a week since my contemporary living class has started, but it's almost over.
I reeally don't enjoy contemporary living much. There is a group of the most piggish guys alive sitting around me, and two REALLY annoying attention-seeking girls, though I like the teacher. This last unit we are doing is on nutrition and cooking. So far we have made cookies, microwave coffee cake/microwave cooked apples. Now we are baking a pizza tomorrow. There are these two girls in our class who seek attention in the worst ways. For example, they tell everyone [well when the boys are around] that they are "so fat" and they "hardly eat" and when they do they feel they have to "throw it up" right away. I mean who says that? When we baked cookies they were like "oh my gosh we were SO bad we had TWO I don't think I want to keep this in my stomach!!" They literally SAID that. And they tell the guys how they won't eat and not to even offer them food because they "won't eat it anyways". It's soo amusing listening to them, I love hearing what crap they will say next.
My group [we are kitchen three] cooks then stares at the food and wonders what to do next. Like, no one wants to eat what we bake. The cookies [I was assigned to be the main cook] I made perfectly, I made sure every grain of sugar and every single dust of flour was added, and that the dough was rolled in to PERFECT round balls, and placed a few inches apart on the baking sheet. Our cookies turned out perfectly round, yet flat. That's just because I rolled them so perfectly. The delicous looking kind were thrown on the pan carelessly, making a big chunky chocolate chip cookie. I'm glad I rolled ours perfectly.
The microwave coffee cake, they didn't want to touch because it was "swimming in butter". I took a fork full, and chewed/spit it in a paper towel, I agreed it was too buttery.
We didn't do the apples...the teacher wouldn't let me just have the apple, it had to have everything on it.
Now the pizza. I think I am going to be "allergic" to pizza. One thing, pizza in the morning is not my thing, nor pizza at night...just, pizza in general...I don't want to deal with. I know the two girls in my class are going to make a big deal tomorrow saying "Oh this is SO fattening!! I will eat this but throw it up!! Im so fat!!" Or something. I am tempted to look them straight in the eye and agree "yes, you are so fat" but they aren't really, they have flabby arms, and an average body. One girl has the skinniest calves in the world, but the rest of her is average, and her arms are really flabby. I'd say she is an apple shape. Me, on the other had, I am a pear shape. I store most of my fat in my belly/hips/butt.
That reminds me, my sister, who is also a pear shape I'd say, but I suppose she is heavier looking than I, meaning she has more fat on her thighs I suppose. She is 5'6" and well she claims 155 pounds. Most of it has to be muscle though. She doesn't look overweight. She has fat on her arms/legs etc, but that is normal I suppose, she has a good build, I mean she could lose some weight, but she looks fine if she didn't. She started a diet though, with her friend [who I think is an ex. bulimic, or something, as she was talking to me once about ways to make yourself throw up, well she confessed to me no matter how hard she tried she couldn't make herself throw up with a toothbrush?] they aren't "counting calories" though, but her friend is very weird with it. She told my sister she and herself can't have ANY milk, not even fat free skim milk, they have to have natural stuff, like natural granola, not the sugary kind. And vegtables, brown rice, fruit, etc. And lots of protein. It's sort of like a protein diet. They are going to exercise together, etc. And they are going to have 100% fruit juice. My sister wants me to do the diet with her, she'd get thin, I'd get fat.
I went out today and got some more fat free hot chocolate, fat free half and half for my coffee, and I got a 12 pack of sugar-free fudgsicles. 45 calories 0 fat 0 sugar per bar. I offered my sister one, she said "Sure!!" then she paused and said "I mean, no, I don't...I can't." I told her that it has 0 fat and sugar, and only 45 calories, it wouldn't even put a dent in destroying her diet, but she said no. My dad also just bought a lot of ice cream, cookies, a cake, crackers and a bunch of other crap. I am thankful I don't really like ice cream, I mean it's not something I would eat a lot of. Crackers, cookies and cake on the other hand...well...I have a hard time. I suppose I will hand them out to my friends, take a bit of everything each day, also chew/spit...just to curb my cravings...and throw them out. I feel horrible, with all the starving people in the world, I'm sure in the past three years I have thrown out over 200 dollars worth of food...or more. It's really horrible, I even flush some, but my dad has to stop buying this crap. He himself is obese...well he has skinny legs, but his belly is trouble. I'd rather his fat girlfriend eat all the crap and get fatter, so then he won't like her. But I caught her drinking my fat free milk the other day...she is like competing. She's all in to "losing weight" now and eating MY food. My food. I feel crowded. My sister bought all this diet food [well what they consider diet food, 110 calorie tortillas, non fat yoghurt at 120 calories per 1/2 cup, etc] and put it in my refridgerator downstairs. All my sugar free-fat free yoghurts are burried underneath her food. It's suffocating, and I feel like I can't save it all, like everything is going to disappear. I put a " Do Not Eat" sign on my fudgsicles, and put it in the big freezer downstairs...if I catch Colby eating them....
On another note, I have a B in Contemporary Living, I thought I had at least a D, and I have a satisfactory in my second hour class, and a C in my third. The great thing is, if I hand out programmes at Graduation a week or two from now, my teacher will give me a letter and a half grade, bringing my grade up to an A-. If I bring my first hour grade up, I'll have a 4.0, my first ever.
I have more to write, but it's not very intersting...Heidi wants to split a fee of 90 dollars to the Fort Collins Club for this summer, she wants to exercise everyday, I said I'd do it with her, I'm just not sure if my parents will allow it, but I do get a pulse membership, and I live right near pulse, so I can go whenever I want.
I think I'll go finish my homework now...then maybe work on my novel.
xoxo
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[04 May 2004|10:23pm] |
I feel like my instestenntsssssicantspell are going to RIP out. Ow.
work was stressful, but OKAY.
On the brightside, today at school was pretty good.
Annnnnnnnnnd that is my fabulous entry for today.
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[02 May 2004|11:19pm] |
Work was so fun today. Well, work in general, is OKAY. I mean, it's not as boring or as harsh as some jobs out there. On Sundays, though, I work with Heidi, and it's great because I am working with my friend, and it's moreeee uhmmm whatsthatword, relaxing? Well no not really, I didn't get to sit down once [except 10 minutes before I left] but it was more, well, fun. I showed her the last ten minutes before she left [she works 4-8 and I work 5-9 on Sundays] how to work the front register, supposdly it's different from the take-out register. We had a lot of interesting people. This elderly lady came like this || close to my face and had this strict/huffy look and said really sternly "hardshell taco, soft chicken taco, tostada, soda" or something in that order, it was really hard not to crack a smile. And then this really obese lady, that had a really bad waddle came in :\ I don't judge people, just because they are obese, I don't automatically think they are a pig and stuff their face 24/7. Some overweight people, well it's just genetics, or choice of food and lack of exercise, for others, some morbidly obese people too, they have an eating disorder, COE [compulsive over eating] where they eat like, I don't know. 6 bowls of cereal [wow this sounds familuar] 1 loaf of bread with two jars of peanut butter for breakfast [I am serious, I know a person who had COE who had this like everyday] two boxes of cookies for a snack, a litre of milk, lunch would be like 12 turkey sandwhiches, a full bag of chips, a large pizza and 11 snack cakes. And so on so forth. Anyways. Well she just ordered two small things. Anyways.
Men are pigs!! [there I go, putting a judgement] I had to clean the bathrooms today, and the boys bathroom was quite unpleasant!! And the urinal...uhm, how 'bout you flush next time, boys? BEFORE IT OVERFLOWS. UGH. Sean said that the urinals didn't work. But. Uhm. They flushed. So therefore they work. It was really gross there, I'll stop at that.
I worked cash register today [I didn't press the police calley thingy not even once, go me!] I was literally standing from 5 till 8:40. My back HURT. Then my sister came in, and I took her order but she only had a debit card and Taco Bell only excepts cash right now :\ I felt bad because she was going to come in, have dinner and take me home when my shift was over [she came in the last twenty minutes] she was upset that we only take cash because she didn't have cash, and she didn't want to wait for 20 minutes. She said she was glad they only accepted cash though because she shouldn't be eating Taco Bell anyways :[ I feel bad, I don't want her to think she is fat and she can't enjoy the foods she wants. Lately she's been asking me if this was healthy or if that was fattening or something, I mean quite literally asking me for advice on stuff. She is 5'6" and like, 160 pounds. She does not look it at ALL. She has a lot of muscle which adds on more weight. Muscle runs in our family, we are all pretty muscley [I hate muscle, it's mostly in my legs and arms...and face. Or neck. I don't know, but it's there] and she doesn't look overweight at all. But my mother [who recently went from 170ish to 140] always talks to me about how she shouldn't be eating what she eats blah blah, she never says it to her and I hope she doesn't...or didn't. I would be so crushed if my mother started telling me what I should eat so I don't get fat. She basically does that anyways...it's always "drinking water helps you lose weight!" Once I do that it's "Don't drink all that water! You need food too!" then it's "You should quit eating all that junk that you do and eat more vegtables!" She wants me to eat eggs [not egg whites, but I only eat egg whites] cheese and other protein stuff or whatever. And she wants me to eat peanut butter. I've been having a problem with peanut butter lately, so I want to avoid it. She thinks I eat junk. Okay well, my "junk" is fat free hot chocolate, puffed wheat, corn cakes, fat free sugar free yoghurts, sugar free jello, etc. Notice a pattern? Yes all sugar free. Godddd. It's not junk. But it doesn't have much nutritional value, so she thinks it's junk. I don't care about the nutrition, I just care about the fat and caloric facts. That's pretty pathetic, I know. But I'm pathetic, and I've learned to accept it :D
On another note, I woke up 117 pounds, which is better I guess...only one pound up from my lowest weight, I think I blew it though...and I know I'll be more tomorrow.... I woke up this morning, I REALLY wanted to make these muffins that my dad bought the mix to. I love muffins. They fascenate me. Not the taste...just the shape...how they cook...look...smell. I really wanted to cook some, and I have been bothering my dad for over a month to buy muffin mix, and he finally did [along with brownie mix] and I woke up this morning excited to make them, and what do I go out to the kitchen and find? My dads girlfriend baked not only the brownies but the MUFFINS too, and she did not use a muffin pan. That is insulting to the muffins. She used a loaf. A bread loaf pan. Therefore the muffins were still gooey and well, under cooked. She cut them up in little squares and set out the brownies and the good parts of the "muffin loaf" on a platter to take to her little church. Fucker. I hate her. She probably used grease and fat and oil and lots of extra butter in those poor muffins too. She drowns all the fucking food she makes in oil and grease and fat and just...God...I hate her, I hate how she cooks, I just hate everything about her.
Anyways. She left for church...she had half a pan of brownies just...there. I chewed/spit the whole friggen pan. Well what was left of it. It's so gross. I can't even let myself swallow stuff anymore. I just had a roll full of paper towels and I chewed all the brownies and spat them back out in to the towels, then threw them in the trash. I did the same to the rest of the gooey muffins. All went in the trash. I swallowed some of it, I know I must've...well, I allowed myself a bite or two, but the rest went straight in my mouth and out again. My dad was in the next room reading the paper the whole time. After that I had half a bowl of cereal, threw that out. Then I had a bowl of fruit with a nonfat yoghurt [80 calories] mixed with two tbs of nonfat cool whip [20 calories] and then...a slice of 45 calorie toast, I had other stuff....I just forget. I know something else was in front of me...my water. Oh, I had my lap top out there with me...maybe that was what else was in front of me :\ I don't know. I ate a lot. I eat a lot. I exercised for about two hours, then I started cleaning my room. I was only planning on cleaning till I could manage, but my dad came in and told me if I cleaned my room REALLY well whilst he was out to lunch with his girlfriend, he'd pay me. So I spent two more hours cleaning my room SPOTLESS. It's really lovely, almost scary...so clean. I got five dollars for it :\ but whatever. I now have about 20 dollars, I babysat on Saturday night [10 pm till midnightish]. After that, I took a quick bath and got ready for work. My mother picked me up at four and we went to Barnse and Noble, I looked for the Razor magazine to see Christines ad [ <3 ] I asked about it because I couldn't find it, it was in the Mens Entertainment section! haha, right next to the playboy, geesh ;\ but I saw her ad, and showed my mother. She said modeling was terrible ;\ I use to want to model, from when I was around eight till I actually got an agent, then I had to stop after my father refused to take me to a meeting because my "eating" habits were bad. I can't believe I ever thought I could model. Well I never actually thought I could I think, I just wanted to model, really badly. I thought it'd be cool. I can't see how I can model now though :\
After barnse and nobel, we went to my work but I had 15 minutes, so we went across the street to Savers. I went in there and guess who works there? Lindsay! She's really nice, though she hit me with her van in October haha [it was an accident], it's really odd that she works RIGHT across from my work though [my jobs better har har]. On another note, I saw Harry Potter and the Sorceres Stone on cassette there for 5.99! It's like, 30 some dollars at Barnse and Nobel. I might have to go back and get it.
After five-ten minutes there, we walked to my work, my mother had to use the restroom so I just said by to her and then I clocked in.
Nowwwwww back to where I was, oh yeah, my sister couldn't get her meal, so she sat down annoyed that she had to wait 20 or so minutes for me to finish work, so I asked for a ten minute break and sat down and talked with her, after my break I just asked the manager if I could leave ten minutes early because my ride was there, she was cool with it, so I clocked out.
When I came home I had two bowls of salad, with lots of crutons :\ 35 calories 1.5 grams of fat per two tablespoons. I think I'm just going to allow myself a salad everynight. I never eat breakfast or lunch, and a salad, even one like I had today, would still be under 300 calories, and an exercise after that should take care of that my problem is binging after I start eating. After that I chewed/spit some oreos ALONG with having a two WHOLE oreos, a small bag mixed with some crutons, trail mix, pretzel sticks, and cheese balls. Urgh ;\ I exercised a bit, but not enough, after all that. That's why I'm fearing the scale in the morning. I want to throw those out. I don't have to weigh myself, but I do anyways.
I have a doctor appointment on wednesday...and I'm scared to go. I'm going there to get weighed and to see if I can get on any anxiety medication. I'm afraid I might have to get blood tests, and something might be wrong. I haven't had my period since January, and I've been having heart palptations. I think the heart thingy is part of my anxiety though, because my chest/arm/face falls asleep and gets really heated, and I have trouble breathing as well. I don't know.
Anyways. I downloaded some songs I've been looking for forever, I'm so happy I got them!
My current playlist:
Outkast: Roses [this song is getting pretty old though, I usually just skip it]
Pepper: Ashes
Jimmy Eat World:Get it Faster
AFI: Silver and Cold
Jet: Cold hard bitch
I loooove those songs. I also have Rancid: Fall back down, on there, I love that song aswell, but it's a rather old song.
Well it's about midnight, crap it is midnight. Uuh. Bye.
xoxoxo
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[01 May 2004|05:56pm] |
OKAY to the fucking person who HACKED my journal. Get a life.
And oh yeah, next time you decided to hack SUCESSFULLY maybe, change the email adress completly, creep <3
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[01 May 2004|01:54pm] |
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mood |
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Pepper: Ashes |
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I found my old Harry Potter game for playstation two today...I am spending this weekend in my house, I don't care if I get invited somewhere. That brat is gone for the WHOLE weeked to be at his dads, so I am going to savor the freedom and quietness that I haven't had for so long this weekend. Aah, it's nice.
So anyways, I am STUCK at this part in the game [Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets], the Incendio challange. Now I know why I threw it somewhere in my room and forgot about it. I'm not big on playing playstation, or really games for that matter, but I am a Harry Potter freak, and this game is making me frusterated. Grr ;\ it's like impossible to get past this level. Ah, anyways. My mother and sister are at the Gym, I want to call my friends later and apologise for not going out with them late last night, maybe invite them over here for a bit, but later I'm going to see "Envy" with my mother. Looks like a cute movie.
Ta ta
xoxo
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[30 Apr 2004|10:17pm] |
My friends just came by [around 9:40] and wanted me to go out with them then spend the night. I declined :[ they caught me off gaurd, my hair all pulled back and front teeth out. Now I REALLLLLY wish I would've went, I can't find her cell number though. GRR ;\
Today at work. Wow. Okay, so there is this girl that all the workers call her the "Dikey Bitch" because supposdly she is a lesbian and she is a big bitch. She's worked at other Taco bells, but she was just hired at this one, so she like. Thinks she is, I don't know, THE SHIT or something. So "on top" of it all, but she isn't really. She is just another one of the team members. Everyone hates her/or is creeped out by her. I didn't know her so I had no say on how I liked her, but now I know. SHE IS SO CREEPY? Yeah. Danny told me they are trying to get her fired. She yelled out orders the whole time she was there [I came in at 5 she left at 7] and she was just really WEIRD, like she was making a taco and it said no sour cream, but she put it on there, and then noticed it said "no sour cream" so she's like "OOPS! Sir, do you mind if your taco has sour cream on it?" I mean. Hi. Make another taco. NO BIG DEAL. The guy was just like "uh...sure" and then she did that with this burrito that had lettuce in it. You aren't suppose to or even ALLOWED to do that. JUST THROW THE MESSED UP TACO OR BURRITO OR WHATEVER, AWAY. You don't *ASK* the customer if it's OKAY if they have cheese on their taco when they orderd specifically "no cheese". And then [I swear I'm not trying to talk bad about her, this is just how my day went] I was washing the dishes and she kept asking ME to like, go get some more sour cream, or make some gorditas, or get more tomatoes.
I was CLEANING the DISHES with DIRTY wet HANDS, she kept going past me and rubbing my side or shoulder and saying "you are doing really good, really, so well" :\ She was just, I don't know. Being too nice? And then finally she wanted me to get some tacos, so I just told her I really had to stop messing with the food because I was doing the dishes. It was annoying washing my hands/doing stuff/going back to the dishes, etc. She was like "Just don't wash your hands, it's fine!"
NO IT'S NOT. ASDJFKskdlfDJAK. When she left everyone started complaining about her :\ I ...well I do have a problem with her. She is creepy, touchy, bossy, and bitchy. It's not because she is a lesbian, but does she have to...touch and FLIRT with all the girls? I don't knoow....
After she left it was REALLY busy, the manager came and got mad because there were people waiting for over 20 minutes for their tacos and crap, so on one side of the line [the "line" is the table row thinger where we make the food and wrap it etc] there were like, three girls doing the drive through, and on the other, the manager and myself. A LOT of people were waiting for their food, so we worked really fast, she told me to call out the number, and apologise for the wait. I called number so and so, and gave this guy his tacos, I was like "I'm really sorry for the wait" and he was all mean looking and said "what is with you guys tonight!" Like it wasn't even a question. Just a IM SO ANGRY ILL SAY THIS IN A QUESTION FORM type thing. And then he stormed off. I mean, what is with us TONIGHT? Does he go there regulary? How sick. And we were BUSY. Friday night OKAY. Yes, dinner hour, it will be full. And holy crap it's just taco's D;
The rest of the people were pretty cool about it though, they smiled and said "Oh it's fine!" and some even said "Have a good night!" back, so it was pretty cool. The manager asked if I could work over time but I reeeally did not want to, and my dad was going to pick me up at the end of my shift anyways, so I couldn't. I'm glad though, I still need to get work shoes [which I am going out to buy tomorrow] and I was wearing my stupid wal-mart bought boots and they HURT.
After work I came home, weighed myself, binged, binged, and ate again? I'm really disgusting. I was 117 this morning then 120 after the binge. Well then I binged again. So I won't check my weight. I'm fasting tomorrow as well, and I will report here with a huge confession of all that I ate if I eat. But I won't, because I don't want to be embarassed D; so that works. My dad's being a real jerk as well. He always bothers me "what did you eat today" and crap, then he goes and takes his fat-ass trailer trash girlfriend out to dinner. Hmmmmmmmm maybe if you acted like you cared for once, and asked me to dinner with you, I'd go? He got mad at me last night because I only ate "half" [it was more than half] a house salad, and some steamed vegtables. I had to return the vegtables, I asked for no butter or lemon crap on it, and it most defidently had butter on it. I'm such a sick nut case! My dad and therapist [who I am not going to see anymore] think I am anorexic, which I am not anymore, and want me to get in a hospital. If only my dad knew how much I EAT! and how much I HATE it. I am a compulsive overeater who gets saved from massive over night weight gains with pills and exercise. I seriously had 8 bowls of cereal and lots of peanut butter, toast and m&ms tonight. And I'm not really full? God, I am going to be HUGE some day. I only have days like this when I eat breakfast in the morning though. I had 30 extra minutes before school so I thought I'd have a bowl [1 cup=50 calories] of my puffed wheat. If I eat breakfast I am so hungry throughout the rest of the day that I just have "one small bite" of something after school and it leads to a whole buffet. BUT if I don't eat breakfast, or lunch then I most likely won't eat dinner, or just have a few vegtables, I like that a lot more then eating a lot at night, I can feel my arms jiggle as I type this :\ pathetic. Well I've a doctor appointment next week, they want to weigh me and crap but I don't want to be...I don't trust any other scales besides my own. I shouldn't even trust these. My dial says I weigh a pound more than my digital. I am going to go ballistic if the doctors scale says 5 pounds more or something. Which I know it will. Then I'll feel like a failure because I gained weight since my last weigh-in. I am going to shut up about this now. No one wants to hear a fat girl whine about her own faults anyways. It's annoying [I hear it from my friend all the time who eats pizza, candy bars, and regular soda every day at lunch]
Colby was happily telling my father how she is enrolling her child in to first grade for next year and how her new job lasts 3 months then she might get "promoted". My dad looked at me then her and shook his head at her and she stopped. I wish he'd stop with these secrets and just TELL me if she is going to be living with us any longer. She was a bitch again to my sister and I after school. She was watching this horse race on tv [?!] and my sister wanted to watch Lord Of the Rings with me. Well the big TV has a DVD player and the video was a DVD, so my sister asked colby if she could watch that in my dads room so we could watch our video. She stared at my sister for like 10 seconds and then she mumbled "I have to be somewhere anyways" and grabbed her ciggerats and slammed the door. I hate her. My dad PROMISED she would be gone by my birthday, and defidently by my senior year next year. If she is talking about half her job lasting three months, she is obviously going to still be here, her and her little brat. I told my dad if she is still here by my birthday that I am moving out. And I will. This hurts a lot. It's like he doesn't really care about my feelings, or even love me enough to get rid of her. He obviously doesn't like her that much if he has been telling my sister and I for over a year that she will be gone soon. Now I am going to shut up about this.
Camp is this summer. I don't want to go.
Okay the end.
Bye
xoxoxo
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[28 Apr 2004|05:19pm] |
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I bet I could lay dead on my bedroom floor for a week before my dad would even care to knock on the door as to see why I haven't been coming out.
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[25 Apr 2004|01:52pm] |
I think I am going to explode. I think I beat the world recored for eating the mostest or whatever.
Prom was okaay. My date was adorable ;)
I met Geldon, four of the teachers [and their dates] and two other of the ASP students at the Olive Garden. Geldon brought me a corssage! It was so sweet, it matched his booteneer [sp?] which he was really proud of! All through dinner he kept wanting to put his coat back on 'cause it had his flower on it, and he kept kissing my wrist--what a flirt! I ordered the small portion of chicken fettichi alfredo-- I promised myself I wouldn't let food ruin my night. It's one night right? I can do it. Well, Nina [a teacher] ordered the regular size portion. Our meals came and she was in the bathroom and I completly forgot that I ordered the small portion, and I didn't know Nina ordered the same thing as me, so the waitress brought out the chicken fettichni so I started to eat it, then I realised there was the same thing except WAY smaller portion, where Nina was sitting, I was eating HERS! I felt reaallly bad and she kept saying not to worry about it and I worry too much. :\ she ate it and said it was perfect for her because she was full. It would've been perfect for ME but no I ended up having twice as much, well I didn't eat it all. Anyways...after dinner...I was really bloated. I'm not exaggerating. I could hardly breathe in my dress and my stomach was sticking out. I yawned and the back broke :\ well it was already broken, it was held with a saftey pin because it was too big [the top area. Me=no boobs] so Nina re-pinned it.
After dinner, we all got in a Limo, it was so sweet, Matt kept playing with the windows the whole time, they all were having so much fun, especially Geldon! We had to stop by his house, his mother wanted to take pictures of us but we didn't have time because dinner took almost three hours! So she just came in the limo and gave him his medicine :)
When we arrived at Prom Geldon was SO excited he kept jumping up and down, it was great but we were afraid he would have a seizure, he gets those if he gets too excited, so Nina had to stay around us to make sure he didn't get one [he didn't!] we got out pictures taken together though, he kept kissing my arm, he is such a flirt. He also wandered around and hugged other girls, I told him he needed to stop making me jealous :P
Around 11 they all left because they were tired, so I went to find my sister and my friends to hang out with them for the remainder of the Prom. I was sort of glad that Geldon had to leave early, I mean he was a great date, but I felt like I was babysitting him the whole time rather than dancing with him :\ it was fun all the same though.
After Prom we [my sister, Shanley, Greg, Austin, Andy, and I] went to my house so I could change, then Shanleys so she could get her clothes, then Austin so he could get his car and pick up other people, then Gregs so he could get changed. Shanley went with him so he could help her get out of her prom dress :\ they took 15 minutes. We think they were doing more then getting undressed/dressed. After they came out, we drove around forever looking for after prom, then when we finally found it, we waited a bit to get in.
After Prom wasn't too bad, I just randomly dropped all my tickets in these boxes for drawings [my friend won a car!] I don't think I won anything though. There was a LOT of food there. Like boxes of pizza, DOUGHNUTS, cookies, bagels, fruit, etc. I had 3 doughnut holes, and my sister and I split an eclair, I didn't even eat that half, it was too sweet! But once I started eating I could feel a binge coming on. I just WANTED to be around the food, to look at it, to smell it, to eat it though I don't think I could, I was so full! I sat with my other friends though, had half another doughnut and some chex mix. Then I felt like I was going to puke, so I went upstairs. After Prom ended with our friend losing one of her earrings, so we stayed after everyone left looking for it. One of the ladies that helped out there was telling her friend that "A girl lost an earring, I don't know why she is even trying to find it she never will" I felt like turning to her and saying "excuse me, have you seen an earring?" but I didn't.
When we came home, my dad [he is so sweet] set out breakfast for us. Our plan was to watch a dvd or two then all make breakfast and go up the mountain to watch the sunrise. Well, he set up a table and decorated it all nice with plates and cups in place, a cutting board with a bagel cutter and knives on it, a cooler with orange juice, starbucks, V8 juice, bacon in it, then set out on the table was butter, peanut butter, TWO loaves of this kind of bread I've been drooling over for weeks but never let my dad buy, bagels, COOKIES [oatmeal rasin, white chocolate macadamian nut, and chocolate chip], chocolates, and worst of all, cinnamon rolls with cream cheese icing-- 550 calories and 21 grams of fat EACH. I went to bed, no sunrise for me. I have to work at 5 tonight anyways, I didn't want to have only a few hours of sleep. So I opened up the rest of these shortbread butter biscuits I like and fed them to everyone, then went to bed.
I woke up weighing 118.5. I gained 1.5 of pounds, and some of that might be from the 2 liters of water I drank before bed. I can't believe it. I ate so much crap! Well I totally ruined it and am sure I will wake up in the 130's tomorrow, because, I woke up at 1 pm and had about three cinnamon rolls, half a bagel with peanut butter, half a piece of that good bread with peanut butter, a few cookies, some chicken egg fried rice, and so much more I can't think of. I chewed/spit and threw away a lot of that stuff, but I still ate some too. I threw a cinnamon roll down the toilet and the toilet clogged, that was kind of funny. Anyways. It's now 2:49 pm and I have to go to work soon, I feel really sick. Really full. But I'm not going to eat the rest of the day, and this week I am going to be strict. It's crappy how a fun day like prom can make you feel so bad about yourself. But I tried, I just shouldn't of had so much.
My mother and my nephew Jordan are stopping by my work around 5:30-6 and she is going to order him a Kids meal, just so I can see him. I had a dream that he died last night, it was just horrible, I think I was half awake crying this morning.
I would write more but the battery on my lap top is dying. I get to work with Heidi tonight :) I can't wait, I hope her first day [yesterday] wasn't too bad! I know my first day was.
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[12 Apr 2004|07:32pm] |
My stomach hurts soooooo much. I hope I am getting my period. For once. I just atee and did a million jumping jacks/combination jogging though. That may trigger.
My mother thinks I've LOST more weight, so she wants me to see the doctor AGAIN. I swear I am going to have a fucking meltdown if I have to step on that scale. I.Swear.To.Goddddd. I bet everything I have the number would be higher then last time. LAST time, MY scales said 118 but theirs said 123 [I did have clothes on though, but c'mon how much can CLOTHES add?] now mine is around 116 give or take, more after the hols though I'll bet. I am not checking.
I got my new permit back. The picture SUCKS. I was tired, angry, and not feeling well thus=SCARY. I am going to make sure I never get pulled over, just so I don't have to whip-that-out. Christ, that kid living with us is making a LOT of noise in the friggen bathroom [bath time=loud concert] I hope he drowns.
Anyways, I am a very nice person I swear.
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| Happy EASTER. |
[11 Apr 2004|09:25am] |
I am so stupid. I wake up, and the first thing I say to my dad and his [slutty] girlfriend is "Happy Valentines Day".
Todays plan:
-Go to breakfast with mother
-Get out of going out to brunch with father
-Avoid chocolate
-Sleep
-Homework
-Sleep
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[06 Apr 2004|05:04pm] |
I just came back from getting my stitches out. It hurt. A lot. I had this nice merry looking lady at first gently tugging at them trying to get them out, I was like "Ooweroorororaowoow" like ONCE then shes like "Ohmp" and left and THE DOCTOR came back and finished it up and OW. He can PULL and TUG. And then he's like "I think that's all of them..." and I was thinking ohthankgodthankyouthankyou then he's like "OH NO I SEE TWO MORE :D :D" Urgh.
I got my permit, again. Since I lost my last one. I'm quite glad I lost my last one as the picture SUCKED. I'm sure this one is going to suck aswell because I was angry from having to stay in line for an hour [and listen to this old lady harass other people] my stomach hurt, and yeah. So I was like >;\ when they said smile. Crap. Anyways....
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[04 Apr 2004|01:36pm] |
I think I saw a transvestite at Wal-mart...wowwwwww.
On another note, I binged the past two days, I went from 116 to 130 now back down to 118. My body is strange. I saw 50 first dates the other day, I'm going to go see it again tonight with my friends. I just ate a lot of animal crackers.
Like 5 servings.
Bye <3
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[01 Apr 2004|04:46pm] |
I should update to say I am alive.
...I'm alive.
Let's see...what has been going on...
nothing. My life is so fun [not really], I got my report card back, 1 c, 2 b's and one S. Go meeeee. Oh I got a D last last quarter in Study hall :\ what the heck. All I do is sit there, I never have homework. Maybe that is why...hmmmm.
PS: they should be leaving soon *crosses fingers*
How has everyone else been?
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[09 Mar 2004|10:52pm] |
Egh I feel so sick. Stupid stupid cold or whatever it is. I hate the school system, they started using air conditioning before it even got really warm. I think I have a fever. I hope I die from a heart attack, that'd be fun. My friends friends think I am bulimic, haha that's funny since I hate to puke. I want Colby OUT. I'm getting surgery on Monday...I hope dad sends his girlfriend and her son to Kansas for spring break so I can recover in peace [or I may have to strangle the kid quiet]. My poor rat is still starving. He is eating all my Melba toast rounds and Revita. Yet he is still a skinny little rat. I love him.
OKAY LETS MAKE A REAL ENTRY FOR ONCE. Or at least a paragraph that makes since. Right, OKAY, here goes:
I was washing my face tonight letmedieplease. I turned my face to the side and saw in the light that I have about a buhzillion little white bumps all over my face. It wasn't there before. I blame the face wash, let me sue. No, really. Never use Cetaphil or whatsit, now I have to go get retina :( I wish I didn't get pimples...it's so gross. But I really don't care, I sound like I care about my looks a lot...don't I. I've thought about that. It is so dumb caring constantly about how you look. And I don't. I'm just self concious, naturally. It's great. Really. No not really.
My best friend called me last night in tears, she told me she was really depressed and stressed out and wanted to run away. She has NEVER been like this before, she is always busy, with sports or school work! It was really sad :( I had to call at 10 pm and pretend to need to borrow something so she could meet me half way around the block [if she just left the house for no reason her mother would be mad] and we hugged and talked...we are defidently going to do something this Spring Break, even if I cannot talk or I am drugged out. Or both. Eeeee!! Well...I should stop writing it's late....if anyone has a GreatestJournal and wants to add me you may, I update 100x's a day on there :X and it's not abstract. Random thoughts, I should re name my journal that. Really, yes. This is a jumble of random thoughts.
Goodnight :)
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[29 Feb 2004|02:15pm] |
Oh wow, my mistake. I do not have the stomach hurty throat thingermabobber sickness. I have the 'I-am-horribly-fat' sickness. The, 'lets-eat-everything-in-site' sickness. OH JOY.
I applied to TWO store thingers today. I really need a job, so bad. I returned an application to the Vitamin Cottage and to Burger King. Uh! I walked in to burger king and handed the application to the assistant [!!] manager and he's like "Oh I am sorry, I don't think we are hiring?" OH HEY DUMBASS. You have a freaking "NOW HIRING" sign all over the store, and I talked to the manager yesterday, he said he needed worker people. So der. No, but I told him "Your "MANAGER" told my friend and I you guys were hiring" so he's like "Oh well we will call you later if we find a spot for you" well well mister. we-are-not-hiring. I could care less if I work for Burgerking. In fact, I'd much rather NOT work for Burgerking. Especially if they give me a...whatever, a Burgerking like...credit card thinger. No way am I even going to eat a salad there. Disgusting. Vitamin Cottage on the other hand, I really hope I get hired! That place is heaven, all healthy and oreintyish whatever. This weekend was uneventful...my mother is "sick" suddenly [i.e; she doesn't want to spend time with me] so instead of a movie or whatever we planned, she feels "soo sick" that I might just not see her at all or we will go to Barnse and Noble ["you need a new book, don't you Lyndsey?"] or something. Fun! I'm going to go do cardio until five...then dad is letting me go to the store and pick out foods that I will eat. I love shopping squee! I hope he lets me go by myself though. I hate him watching me. All...watchy like. Eugh.
OH, on a side note, I babysit for the cutest sweetest kids in the world, I have been for about three years, sinced August though they haven't called me for a job...but the mother just called me today, I'm going to babysit for them next Saturday! I can't wait! I miss them so much.
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yrstar's journal